Have you ever felt defective because of your different sensibilities or the way your brain works? Recently I’ve noticed many of my patients have erroneously judged themselves as stupid, lazy, unsociable, overly sensitive, or deeply flawed, simply because they hadn’t understood their brain differences.
What differences am I referring to here? Some of the most widely misunderstood by my patients are: learning differences (dyslexia, processing differences), attention challenges (ADHD), non-linear thinking, introversion, and being a highly sensitive or an empath. In short, having different skillsets than what was seen and valued at home and in school.
Children whose differences are not seen or appreciated often become adults who consider themselves wrong, faulty, or less than. For example, a child with an undiagnosed learning or neural difference who had difficulty performing in a typical classroom may judge herself stupid or lazy, or worse, have been told so by teachers and parents. This negative self-judgement may then endure in adulthood as they try to work within systems that are still not suited to them. When they don’t succeed in that environment, it reinforces the thinking of how defective they are.
Similarly, Highly Sensitive People and Introverts may feel flawed if their differences are misunderstood and underappreciated. Highly sensitives often feel overstimulated. If they were told as children that they were “too sensitive” for crying easily or if they startled easily at loud noises, they may become adults who feel “wrong” for being so sensitive. In a world increasingly geared towards extroverts (e.g. social media, open office plans), introverts can feel not right for this world. Introverted and/or Highly Sensitive adults often fight against their true natures to try to be more extroverted and less sensitive, which only makes them feel more miserable and outcast. (To read more on this, I recommend Quiet by Susan Cain and The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron).
What can be done? Most people tend to focus on what they aren’t instead of who they are. Instead of assessing how you are “supposed to be” to match the sensibilities of 2020 America, take a good unapologetic look at who you in fact are- your sensibilities, your talents, and what comes easily to you. Celebrate who you are and work with the talents you have rather than testing the skills you lack. Do you learn better with audio or kinesthetically rather than reading? Do you require a quieter environment? Are you more of an artistic creative rather than linear academic?
Work with your strengths and appreciate how you need to move through the world. Then surround yourself with situations, environments and people who appreciate your particular gifts. See who you are, appreciate who you are and find those who will reflect that back. Adapt your world to be one in which you not only fit in but are celebrated. Instead of trying to fit into situations that don’t suit you, seek out situations in which you feel a greater sense of belonging.
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