I’m now sitting in the downtown LA jury assembly room and, embarrassingly, stewing in resentment. Never mind the civic duty mandated by our Constitution, I say to myself, I have far better uses of my time than to waste my day contributing to the sanctity of the justice system!
Which got me thinking about why I (and I’m sure others) love to gnaw on my own self-righteousness. What good does it do? It doesn’t really feel good in the long run- it takes up a tremendous amount of energy and doesn’t exactly resolve anything nor does it grant me peace. So why do I stew?
For one, I notice it’s my strategy (albeit a poor one) for dealing with a lack of control over the situation. Consider it the Bargaining Stage of Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief- a natural human inclination to argue with the givens that upset us. By arguing with what is, I allow myself the illusion of control. Churning my anger and resentment makes me believe I’m “doing something.” It gives me a place to direct my sense of helplessness.
Additionally, my resentment of others (today directed at the court system) conveniently keeps me from having to stop and take responsibility for myself. Responsibility-taking entails a level of adulting for which I’m not always in the mood. It is work, gosh darn it, and it means having to take care of myself rather than have others do it for me. While admittedly I do get an initial adrenaline buzz from self-righteousness, it ultimately poisons me like eating too much junk food or watching excessive amounts of reality TV (though I must say- I do adore chocolate and Survivor).
When my inner adult kicks in, what do I do instead? I allow myself a good 20 minutes to go at it and resent away. Then I tell my inner teenager “that’s enough” and pivot to take charge of my own feelings. So today I allowed myself to be annoyed for a wee bit- because let’s face it, jury duty is super annoying- and then I chose to surrender to the situation, did a mindful meditation to calm myself down, and napped. Eventually I decided to make the most of my waiting time by catching up on emails, reading, and writing this blog. In short, I focused on what I do in fact have control over and decided not to expend too much energy and yucky feelings on resentment over what I can’t control. And then there is that civic duty thing…
Stay tuned for my next post on resentment in which I’ll explore How not to Resent your Partner.
Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay